I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
