I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
