omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
