i think my tv is drunk
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
