i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
So much rum. So many feels.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
