I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
