you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
