Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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