She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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