I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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