He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
