I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
this boner is exhausting
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize
