cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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