I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
