Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
