Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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