I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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