Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
