I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
