i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
