worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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