Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
