Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
