I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
i think i just naturally attract stoners
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
