do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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