Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Come share oat with me in your robe
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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