Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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