I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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