I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
This is my gift to your gina
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
