cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
