The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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