I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
