If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
