sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
