I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
