her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Randomize
