the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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