I got her a Nickelback box set.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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