Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Quick, to the slutcave!
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
