Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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