This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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