Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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