haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Never joke about your clitoris.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
