You really coming over, don't trick.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
