im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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