I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
