I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
