Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
