Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I think your dad took our porno
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
