I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
