i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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