Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
