I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
