Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
