i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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