I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
