Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
