who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
