I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
