Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
