Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
