wat bout pragnant strippers??
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
